Oh, The Nineties
Punky Boobster

Everybody remembers Punky Brewster. You know, that cute, freckled orphan who wandered into some old guy’s apartment building and became his daughter. 

Basically, her dad walked out on the family, and her mom left her at a shopping plaza. Then she wandered into an open apartment, and right into the arms of the landlord, Henry Oh, and there’s also her dog, Brandon.

First of all, who the fuck names their dog Brandon. Come here, Brandon. Go fetch, Brandon. Roll over, Brandon. Doesn’t sound right, does it? It’s ridiculous what people are naming their pets these days. I know two different cats named, Jake. What the fuck. If you have a cat, you name him Fluffy, if you have a dog, you name him Rover. End of discussion.

So anyway, Punky Brewster was a pretty awesome show. There were a lot of laughs and a lot of heart. Even though Punky always got in trouble, anytime she needed to, she could run into the arms of Henry, and somehow not break his hip.

Here’s where things get weird. The character who played Punky Brewster, Soleil Moon Frye, had a problem at a young age. She had gigantomastia. Which roughly translates to HUGE boobies. Yeah, by the time she was 15 she had DD boobs. She ended getting surgery, too. 

That was a giant curve ball to all of us youngsters watching. “Hey mommy, what ever happened to Punky Brewster?” “Well honey, her boobs got too big and she had to get surgery or else she would’ve fallen over.”

We were such innocent children. Now we’re learning the girl from one of our favorite programs has grown up too fast. She can’t be on television anymore because her fun bags are going to confuse too many children. 

I just can’t imagine the way the conversation went down in the executive’s office. “Listen, Soleil, we’ve had a good run. However, your um, eh, your, well it’s just that your breasts, they’ve gotten too big. We want to make our viewers feel comfortable and not confused about how your, you knows make them feel. We’re going to have to let you go.”